Greatest Fear

This was written  June 16, 2010. The day after my five siblings were taken away from their parents by Child Protective Services.

We all have our childhood fears.

The monsters under the bed and the troll that lived in the basement.

Our parents tell us that we don’t need to be afraid. That it will be Ok.

What do you do when you find out that your deepest fear has come true?

Mine just has.

The shakes start and I find that I just can’t breathe.

I gasp for air praying that it isn’t true. 

My heart breaks with 4 simple words.

They took the kids.

The nightmare starts all over again.

However when I open my eyes it doesn’t go away. It is real.

My deepest childhood fear has come to life and it feels like it is going to eat me alive.

The same nightmare that haunted me for 14 years has come true.

The monsters that chased my family in my dreams have caught them.

They tore them away and put them into a small car.

As in my dreams I am helpless to save them. All I can do is watch.

My deepest pain that became my deepest fear has been realized.

What do I do now? There is no one to tell me that I am going to be OK.

No one can tell me that it is just a dream.

My nightmare has turned into my brothers and sisters nightmare.

I sob wanting to be able to take their pain and situation on myself.

They were never supposed to see what happened in my nightmare.

I want to charge into battle and save the day.

I want to be the night in shining armor that sweeps in and makes it all Ok.

I pick up the sword only to find that it is too big…

I can’t pick it up, I can’t wield it against my enemy…

Tears roll down my face as I realize that this is a battle that I can’t fight.

I turn around and see God standing there with His arm outstretched.

He asks me to give Him back His sword.

His sword? But this is my battle!? It is my family!

He kneels down with tears in His eyes.

“Little one, do you think that I love them any less than you?

They were mine long before they were yours.

Let me fight this battle that only I can win.

This sword it too heavy for you because it was never meant for you to bear.”

He wraps His arms around me as I cling to the sword sobbing.

I know what He says is true but I still feel like I have to do something.

He whispers in my ear, “Just trust me.”

I look up into His eyes and know that I have to trust Him.

I slowly release my grip on the sword and place it in His large calloused hands.

He takes the sword and turns to walk away.

Then he looks back and says something that I will never forget.

“You had to give me the sword before I could fight this battle.

When you held onto it I was helpless. Your release has guaranteed victory,

for when I fight on your behalf I can not loose. “

God you have to take control of this. You have to be the night in shining armor,

I can’t save them, I can’t protect them.  Only you.

You saved me from the dragon and now I need you to save them.

They are the hardest thing that I have ever given you.

I want to be able to save them, but I can’t.

This darkness that is trying to take them is bigger than me.

But it isn’t bigger than you.

You are light, and where light is darkness can not be.

Please God; bring your light into this situation.

You are the only one that can make this nightmare end.

You can take it and turn it into a “Happily ever after.”

Please God, let your mercy reign over them and your justice fall on their accusers.

Bring truth to the situation and peace over their hearts.

~Cherilyn Derusha