As I write I am going to start by telling about what happened and what that forced me to face. Don't read just half though or you will miss what God has done. If I have learned nothing else from the Psalms, it is to START with the physical circumstances and hardships and to END with the greatness and goodness of God. To see what God has brought you through and
to see how his hand has moved amongst it all.
It seems like every e-mail, every facebook post, and every text message for the last 3 days has been about "The New Year." People reflecting on the past year, setting goals for this year, etc. I have tried my hardest NOT to look back at this last year as it seems so overwhelming. Finally though God asked me why I was running from 2010... The answer is that it has been the hardest and most painful year of my life... It has been year of trials, valleys, and facing my fears.
It really started in Aug of 2009 when most of the staff left for various reasons. I felt a bit abandoned and alone as I had to say goodbye to dear friends. Having been in YWAM for 5 years you would think it would get easier, but it doesn't... I was so conflicted because I had absolute assurance from God that I was supposed to be here (in St.Croix) and was supposed to run King's Kids; yet there were no staff to help... For about a week I was just lost, fighting with God, asking what was going on!? He spoke alot of things to me that week but the one that really ended my inner battle was this question. "If YWAM was not here, would you still do what I have called you to here?"
That sat me back and blew my eyes wide open. I love YWAM and hope to work with it for as long as God calls me to missions. Yet my calling here was not dependant on YWAM. I could work with kids and disciple them with or without a base. It made me realize that I was committed to this island no matter what. So I answered "Yes God, I will stay even if YWAM St.Croix shut down. I will still do what you have called me to." In saying that I felt such a release. A release of my fears and insecurities.
It had only been in the last several years that I have realized that I have a lot of fears. They are hidden deeply and well rooted. They are rarely seen as I mostly refuse to show them, or act on them, yet they are always there trying to control me. So this was the beginning of God breaking me from many of those fears. As I faced the thought and partial reality of being alone in my work here God brought me to a place where I was OK with it. Releasing that Fear of Abandonment as I truly realized that since God is with me, I will never be alone.
The beginning of 2010 brought on another fear full force; the Fear of Failure. I was asked to be the Interim Base Leader until our new directors could get their visas. I have always hated failing as I feel I am letting people down. I will do whatever it takes to meet expectations and not let people down. So as I started running the base I felt so stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted as I tried to meet expectations that I felt had been placed on me. During a Leaders Conference God showed me that the "expectations" I was trying to meet were not His expectations. For that matter they were not my leaders expectations either... Over that week God worked in my heart to bring freedom from my self imposed bondage. He showed me that I can't do everything and be everything for everyone (Duh right) and that all He was asking me to do was to follow Him in obedience and always ask Him what to do before making decisions. That was it. Also as I talked with my leaders they echoed what God was speaking to me. That I just needed to follow God and to stay in accountability. At the end of that week I gave God that Fear of Failure and felt as if huge weight lifted off me.
Running the base has been full of trials as I have faced a steep learning curve and been thrown into so many new areas that I have never done before. Accounting, government reports & certifications, insurances, fundraising, etc are some of the areas that have given me the most trouble!
Then July 15, 2010. I got a phone call from my parents telling me that the government had taken my 5 autistic siblings away. They had been taken without any notice or warning and been placed into three different foster home. That call tore my heart into shreds. I have nver had such a physical reaction to any words the way I did when my mom told me they had taken the kids. I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart, I couldn't breathe, and I was shaking from head to toe.
I can't really explain the surrounding circumstances due to a court gag order, but i will say that all of the charges are 10,000% false. My parents have never done anything but love & follow God, and teach their children to do the same. They have invested their lives into their children so this was insane and has thrown my family into Chaos. (Read my 12/ 2010 post for more about this.)
All of this brought up my biggest and deepest fear... Fear for Family. I am very protective of people I love and so my family being hurt is infinitely worse than me being hurt. Surrendering my family was/is the hardest thing I have ever done. I desperately wanted to do something, to control the situation, but I couldn't... I thought that I had surrendered my family to God, I thought I had given up trying to be their protector. But through this I realized that I hadn't. Not even close. Being faced with the reality that I may lose them and any sense of "normal" family, forever, brought me on my face before God.... I still believe that God is going to restore our family, but God asked me to give them up; to surrender them to Him.... I realized that I was terrified to do that because I was so deeply afraid of them being hurt more (like my holding on to them was helping). I had to face that Fear for family and truly surrender them to Him. Once I came to that place where I gave them to God, I felt such an incredible peace as God spoke to my heart (See my poem for this conversation.) The situation is far from resolved but I no longer have that dehabilitating fear. It still hurts, but God is now carrying that burden and I have a measure of peace knowing that He is in control; not I.
Like I said in the beginning, this has been the hardest year of my life. I have walked and am walking through things that I never wanted to have to face. Yet I can say with assurance that my God is in control. He is still Good. He is still faithful. He is still loving. He is still my protector. He is still my redeemer. My heart has been shattered this year but God has been fixing it; restoring it with a new and perfect plan in mind. I can't begin to understand Gods perfect plan, or know what is going on in the midst of this storm, yet I am at a place where I can be OK with not knowing. I know Gods character and nature and I trust Him with everything within me. I am at a place where I feel a complete dependence on God.
Today I was talking to an incredible women of God and she was sharing how this year, she is committing to live in complete surrender to God. That struck a note within my heart as that is what I feel God has been calling me to, complete surrender.
So this is my prayer for the next year...
Dear God,
You are my God and my king. I will follow you even to the ends of the earth.
I will walk through these valleys because you have promised that you will always bring me through. You don't promise that these valleys will be short or easy; and I am in a long and hard one right now. Please give me the strength to stand strong and to be a light in the darkness.
I will follow you no matter where you lead.
I give you my life and my heart in TOTAL SURRENDER.
I hold nothing back and expect no guarantees. For I know you love me and will never leave me.
Let your thoughts be my thoughts and your ways be my ways.
Help to transform my mind to be even more in line with yours.
Mold my heart to be a reflection of your heart.
I want to live a life of no regrets.
Help me to walk in COMPLETE OBEDIENCE to your voice.
Thank you for giving me life and the opportunity to walk with and serve you.
I love you,
Cherilyn Derusha
