Island Wanderings

Today I wanted to get off base but I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't really want to go to the beach or go to C'sted. So I decided to take my car and camera and see what I could discover. I turned down roads that I had never driven on and stopped at anything that looked interesting.

Here is the illustrated version of what I did today. :)

My first road took me to a cemetery. Some people find them creepy but I really don't see why. As I walked around I found it interesting more than anything at first.

Some of the graves were large and covered in marble with statues and figurines.
This building that towers over the cemetery houses only the graves of three people. From this I assume that the people were rich or famous.








Then there are that graves that are marked only by handmade markers, or simple concrete headstones. We assume that these people were poor and their families couldn't afford much.





This got me thinking about how no matter what these people had, or didn't have, they all ended up in the same place. Unable to take what they had with them. You can't tell who a man was by the size or cost of his grave, but by the legacy and impact that he left behind.

Then I came to a section were the graves were only marked by metal place cards from the funeral home stating the name, year of birth, and death.



Many of them were completely unmarked; the place cards having been stolen or just disappeared with time.

     My first reaction was that it was so sad that these graves might as well have a sign that says "unknown." That no one will ever know who is buried there. Then I began thinking "Why do we mark graves?" It isn't for the dead. They are gone and no longer can care about dignity, status, etc.

   We mark them for the sake of the living. To give them some connection to their dear ones. To give them a place to put flowers on each anniversary.

I saw so many arrangement of flowers on some tombs that they resembled shrines or altars...
   

  I decided that I don't want to be buried at a place where people can come "visit" me, or in a jar on someones shelf. Once you die your body is just an empty shell, your soul leaves. I will be in heaven with God not in some cemetery...
Cemeteries bring sadness to people as it is a reminder of what they have lost. I would rather be remembered for my life, not my death!



My next stop was one that made me smile as it brought thoughts and memories of life and love!
I turned down a road that was mostly abandoned houses. I only saw one person who was waking out of the bush with what looked like marijuana plants.... Needless to say I hurried by him and kept driving!
5 or 6 turns later I found myself on a dirt path headed towards the ocean.

When I got out I realized that I was on the same beach that I had taken engagement picture on last week! I came a completely different (and longer) way, but ended up on the other side of the same beach.

Last week I took engagement pictures for Jason and Niki here. It had to laugh that out of all the shoreline I had managed to end up here. :)

So I hopped back in "Our Car." and decided to take the other fork off the road that I had just passed. 

On the way there, and on may of the roads today, I saw a lot of these plants. I am assuming that they are cotton plants but I am not sure!

 When I came to the other end of the road I found this! It seems that someone decided to dump their old cars (or stolen and chopped cars) off the edge... :)












At this point my memory card ran out as it only a 2gb card. I have been meaning to get a larger one but just never think about it when I am at the store! 

So the next stop was K-Mart to pick up a memory card and some water!!!

After inserting the new card and trying yet another unknown turn off the highway, I found a very pretty beach.

                                                        The other side

By this time I was pretty hungry so I stopped by my favorite deli (Turtles Deli in F'sted) and had the perfect lunch! Turkey Club sandwich on homemade bread and an ice cold Sunkist! Mmmm











Next I managed to actually get lost! No small feat on an Island this tiny! I knew the general area that I was in but probably couldn't get back there again very easily if I wanted to.

I found some really cool ruins right on the edge of a housing community. The smokestack closest resembles our smokestack out of  all the ones that I have seen. From what I have heard the man who built ours, built three others on island. I am going to try and do some research to see if this could perhaps be one of those three?!

And last but not least I found the biggest tree that I have seen on this island!!! It was in someones yard so I didn't get out of the car, but there were three trunks that split out of the original tree and I am guessing that it would take about 5 people to wrap their arms around each trunk!

I can totally see a tree house being built in that tree! :)

After making my way back on countless roads that I had never seen before; I arrived back home realizing that there is a lot of this island that I haven't seen yet. Maybe next free day I will have to go exploring again. :)

These past two weeks I have been teaching on Love. What love means and how God chooses to BE love. The definition of Love is "To look out for the highest well-being of God and others."
On Sunday I was teaching this and then on Monday I was privileged to be able to take engagement pictures for some dear friends of mine. As we were out taking the pics it didn't feel like we were doing a posed "photo shoot." As we moved around a beach and ruins I felt like I was an observer just watching these two amazing people love each other. It got me thinking even more about Love and how it looks like. 

Mon was also Valentines day, a day that is supposedly the "Love" holiday. Yet what do teddy bears, chocolate, cellophane wrapped baskets, and flowers really have to do with love?
Tuesday at the lighthouse the homeless ladies and prostitutes were sharing about the baskets and gifts that they received on Valentines. Do the men that gave them those "love" them? No. They use them for their own selfish desires and gratification. Later that morning I was talking to several couples that have been married for more than 30yrs. When I asked them if they had done anything special for Valentines Day they all said, No. That every day was "Valentines Day" for them because they love each other every day and are spending every free moment together as it is.

Love is the action of choosing another over yourself,
It is a daily choice to put another first,
Love is not defined by feelings,
It is the summation of the decisions that you make,
Love is not the reason for being together,
It is the answer of Why you enjoy being together,
Love does not rejoice in anothers pain,
It is the tears that come from watching anothers pain,
Love is the eradication of hate and selfishness,
It is the enjoyment of happiness and fulfillment,
Love always makes sense for it is rooted in God,
It does not come and go with hormones,
Love was created by and can only come from God
Is IS God. God IS Love. We were created to be loved.

The hardest year of my life....

 As I write I am going to start by telling about what happened and what that forced me to face. Don't read just half though or you will miss what God has done. If I have learned nothing else from the Psalms, it is to START with the physical circumstances and hardships and to END with the greatness and goodness of God. To see what God has brought you through and 

to see how his hand has moved amongst it all.

It seems like every e-mail, every facebook post, and every text message for the last 3 days has been about "The New Year." People reflecting on the past year, setting goals for this year, etc. I have tried my hardest NOT to look back at this last year as it seems so overwhelming. Finally though God asked me why I was running from 2010... The answer is that it has been the hardest and most painful year of my life... It has been year of trials, valleys, and facing my fears.

    It really started in Aug of 2009 when most of the staff left for various reasons. I felt a bit abandoned and alone as I had to say goodbye to dear friends. Having been in YWAM for 5 years you would think it would get easier, but it doesn't... I was so conflicted because I had absolute assurance from God that I was supposed to be here (in St.Croix) and was supposed to run King's Kids; yet there were no staff to help... For about a week I was just lost, fighting with God, asking what was going on!? He spoke alot of things to me that week but the one that really ended my inner battle was this question. "If YWAM was not here, would you still do what I have called you to here?"
That sat me back and blew my eyes wide open. I love YWAM and hope to work with it for as long as God calls me to missions. Yet my calling here was not dependant on YWAM. I could work with kids and disciple them with or without a base. It made me realize that I was committed to this island no matter what. So I answered "Yes God, I will stay even if YWAM St.Croix shut down. I will still do what you have called me to." In saying that I felt such a release. A release of my fears and insecurities.
  It had only been in the last several years that I have realized that I have a lot of fears. They are hidden deeply and well rooted. They are rarely seen as I mostly refuse to show them, or act on them, yet they are always there trying to control me. So this was the beginning of God breaking me from many of those fears. As I faced the thought and partial reality of being alone in my work here God brought me to a place where I was OK with it. Releasing that Fear of Abandonment as I truly realized that since God is with me, I will never be alone.

    The beginning of 2010 brought on another fear full force; the Fear of Failure.  I was asked to be the Interim Base Leader until our new directors could get their visas. I have always hated failing as I feel I am letting people down. I will do whatever it takes to meet expectations and not let people down. So as I started running the base I felt so stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted as I tried to meet expectations that I felt had been placed on me. During a Leaders Conference God showed me that the "expectations" I was trying to meet were not His expectations. For that matter they were not my leaders expectations either... Over that week God worked in my heart to bring freedom from my self imposed bondage. He showed me that I can't do everything and be everything for everyone (Duh right) and that all He was asking me to do was to follow Him in obedience and always ask Him what to do before making decisions. That was it. Also as I talked with my leaders they echoed what God was speaking to me. That I just needed to follow God and to stay in accountability. At the end of that week I gave God that Fear of Failure and felt as if huge weight lifted off me. 
     Running the base has been full of trials as I have faced a steep learning curve and been thrown into so many new areas that I have never done before. Accounting, government reports & certifications, insurances, fundraising, etc are some of the areas that have given me the most trouble!

Then July 15, 2010. I got a phone call from my parents telling me that the government had taken my 5 autistic siblings away. They had been taken without any notice or warning and been placed into three different foster home. That call tore my heart into shreds. I have nver had such a physical reaction to any words the way I did when my mom told me they had taken the kids.  I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart, I couldn't breathe, and I was shaking from head to toe.
     I can't really explain the surrounding circumstances due to a court gag order, but i will say that all of the charges are 10,000% false.  My parents have never done anything but love & follow God, and teach their children to do the same. They have invested their lives into their children so this was  insane and has thrown my family into Chaos. (Read my 12/ 2010 post for more about this.)
     All of this brought up my biggest and deepest fear... Fear for Family. I am very protective of people I love and so my family being hurt is infinitely worse than me being hurt. Surrendering my family was/is the hardest thing I have ever done. I desperately wanted to do something, to control the situation, but I couldn't... I thought that I had surrendered my family to God, I thought I had given up trying to be their protector. But through this I realized that I hadn't. Not even close. Being faced with the reality that I may lose them and any sense of "normal" family, forever, brought me on my face before God.... I still believe that God is going to restore our family, but God asked me to give them up; to surrender them to Him.... I realized that I was terrified to do that because I was so deeply afraid of them being hurt more (like my holding on to them was helping). I had to face that Fear for family and truly surrender them to Him. Once I came to that place where I gave them to God, I felt such an incredible peace as God spoke to my heart (See my poem for this conversation.) The situation is far from resolved but I no longer have that dehabilitating fear. It still hurts, but God is now carrying that burden and I have a measure of peace knowing that He is in control; not I.

Like I said in the beginning, this has been the hardest year of my life. I have walked and am walking through things that I never wanted to have to face. Yet I can say with assurance that my God is in control. He is still Good. He is still faithful. He is still loving. He is still my protector. He is still my redeemer. My heart has been shattered this year but God has been fixing it; restoring it with a new and perfect plan in mind. I can't begin to understand Gods perfect plan, or know what is going on in the midst of this storm, yet I am at a place where I can be OK with not knowing. I know Gods character and nature and I trust Him with everything within me. I am at a place where I feel a complete dependence on God.

Today I was talking to an incredible women of God and she was sharing how this year, she is committing to live in complete surrender to God.  That struck a note within my heart as that is what I feel God has been calling me to, complete surrender.

So this is my prayer for the next year...

Dear God,
You are my God and my king. I will follow you even to the ends of the earth.
I will walk through these valleys because you have promised that you will always bring me through. You don't promise that these valleys will be short or easy; and I am in a long and hard one right now. Please give me the strength to stand strong and to be a light in the darkness.
I will follow you no matter where you lead.
I give you my life and my heart in TOTAL SURRENDER.
I hold nothing back and expect no guarantees. For I know you love me and will never leave me.
Let your thoughts be my thoughts and your ways be my ways.
Help to transform my mind to be even more in line with yours.
Mold my heart to be a reflection of your heart.
I want to live a life of no regrets.
Help me to walk in COMPLETE OBEDIENCE to your voice.
Thank you for giving me life and the opportunity to walk with and serve you.
I love you,
Cherilyn Derusha

Greatest Fear

This was written  June 16, 2010. The day after my five siblings were taken away from their parents by Child Protective Services.

We all have our childhood fears.

The monsters under the bed and the troll that lived in the basement.

Our parents tell us that we don’t need to be afraid. That it will be Ok.

What do you do when you find out that your deepest fear has come true?

Mine just has.

The shakes start and I find that I just can’t breathe.

I gasp for air praying that it isn’t true. 

My heart breaks with 4 simple words.

They took the kids.

The nightmare starts all over again.

However when I open my eyes it doesn’t go away. It is real.

My deepest childhood fear has come to life and it feels like it is going to eat me alive.

The same nightmare that haunted me for 14 years has come true.

The monsters that chased my family in my dreams have caught them.

They tore them away and put them into a small car.

As in my dreams I am helpless to save them. All I can do is watch.

My deepest pain that became my deepest fear has been realized.

What do I do now? There is no one to tell me that I am going to be OK.

No one can tell me that it is just a dream.

My nightmare has turned into my brothers and sisters nightmare.

I sob wanting to be able to take their pain and situation on myself.

They were never supposed to see what happened in my nightmare.

I want to charge into battle and save the day.

I want to be the night in shining armor that sweeps in and makes it all Ok.

I pick up the sword only to find that it is too big…

I can’t pick it up, I can’t wield it against my enemy…

Tears roll down my face as I realize that this is a battle that I can’t fight.

I turn around and see God standing there with His arm outstretched.

He asks me to give Him back His sword.

His sword? But this is my battle!? It is my family!

He kneels down with tears in His eyes.

“Little one, do you think that I love them any less than you?

They were mine long before they were yours.

Let me fight this battle that only I can win.

This sword it too heavy for you because it was never meant for you to bear.”

He wraps His arms around me as I cling to the sword sobbing.

I know what He says is true but I still feel like I have to do something.

He whispers in my ear, “Just trust me.”

I look up into His eyes and know that I have to trust Him.

I slowly release my grip on the sword and place it in His large calloused hands.

He takes the sword and turns to walk away.

Then he looks back and says something that I will never forget.

“You had to give me the sword before I could fight this battle.

When you held onto it I was helpless. Your release has guaranteed victory,

for when I fight on your behalf I can not loose. “

God you have to take control of this. You have to be the night in shining armor,

I can’t save them, I can’t protect them.  Only you.

You saved me from the dragon and now I need you to save them.

They are the hardest thing that I have ever given you.

I want to be able to save them, but I can’t.

This darkness that is trying to take them is bigger than me.

But it isn’t bigger than you.

You are light, and where light is darkness can not be.

Please God; bring your light into this situation.

You are the only one that can make this nightmare end.

You can take it and turn it into a “Happily ever after.”

Please God, let your mercy reign over them and your justice fall on their accusers.

Bring truth to the situation and peace over their hearts.

~Cherilyn Derusha